OmniTip #3 : How to be awake and otherwise conscious in the mornings

I like to be awake when I work in the morning. I'm happier, I preform better, and I have less of an inclination to punch people in the back of the head when they stand to the left on the escalator.

Seriously. The signs are fucking everywhere. How can you not OBEY?

In my earlier years, getting up at 7 a.m. was a hassle. I tried manipulating my life to its fullest extent so that I might sleep in until at least 8 and get a good, cushy 10 hours of sleep. Unfortunately, adult life now requires me to actually be at my base of operations by 8, and due to crazy new geographical homefront, I need to be up and at it by 5:30 in the morning.

This is what I used to look like on the train too

To get 10 hours of sleep, I would need to be in bed by 7:30 p.m. This, obviously, is never going to happen, because chores and life require my presence until at least 9 p.m., and body wants to party every night like it's dance to Prince time.

A lot of people are okay with 7 hours of sleep or less a night. I am not. There are tears, blood, and other disgusting things involved anything short of 8 hours. Upon my new adult job, I had to come up with a coping strategy, and I had to do it at FTL speeds.

Now I'm lucky if I sleep in past 7 on weekends; usually I leap out of bed by 6:30 and scream "AT DAWN WE RIDE!" in my head.

If you too are in a position where you require to be a morning person but are fucking not, here are strategies I've used for the last sixth months which have turned me into a god:

1. Prepare for morning the night before
• make packed lunch
• lay out outfit
2. Set alarm for two hours before departure time; choose soft, melodic tone
3. Place alarm clock where not easily accessible (across room, in laundry basket, taped to far wall)
4. Drink plenty of water upon rising from dead
5. Exercise for half an hour/watch program while doing so
6. Eat meal that requires at least a small effort to make. Twenty seconds or more between swallows
7. Shower ended with a burst of cold water
8. Make self beautiful

Once I'm done, I usually have ten to twenty minutes to spare to ensure I have everything I need, I know where I'm going, and that I'm awake. I do things like pay the bills or experiment with eye shadow or watch an extra episode of Archer.

 "I can't get up at 5:30."

 "Can't, or won't?"

 "...Either."






It sounds ludicrous and hard, but after the first week of doing this, I actually felt twice as awake and energetic in the mornings as I ever had getting up at 7:30 or whatever. I also look fantastic now.

One week and I will change your LIFE